


I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

by serendipitous_rambles



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: But I'll give it my best go, F/M, I couldn't get the image of these two out of my head when listening to this song, I haven't written for this fandom before so my characterisation might not be my finest, I really procrastinated on this it shouldn't have taken me that long, So I gave in and wrote something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:13:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25408981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serendipitous_rambles/pseuds/serendipitous_rambles
Summary: And I, snuck in through the garden gateEvery night that summer just to seal my fateAnd I screamed, "For whatever it's worth""I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?"• • • • • • •It had been acruel summer.JJ and Kiara grow closer in the aftermath of what should have been the best summer of their lives.
Relationships: JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 66





	1. Part One

* * *

It had been a cruel summer to say the least. What started out as just wanting to have the best summer ever turned into a storm into a treasure hunt into a conspiracy into a murder into a manhunt, leaving 3 out of 4 pogues remaining. 

The wreckage of the boat carrying John B and Sarah had been found a few weeks later, but with no sign of the bodies. The easy answer was to assume they were dead, but the painful one was to hope somehow they survived. 

The night they'd lost signal from the boat, JJ had stayed with Pope. He couldn't go home, he had no idea what his dad would do. Not that he even wanted to go there. It wasn't home. Hadn't been for a long time. The only place that really had felt like home was John B's place. JJ couldn't sleep, and not just because of Pope's snoring. He lay awake on the makeshift bed he'd been provided (more like a few blankets and a pillow on the floor of Pope's room), staring up at the ceiling. It just wasn't sinking in. Any minute now John B would walk through that door proudly claiming how he'd pulled off the scheme of the _century_ and JJ would make an inappropriate joke about him almost ending up like Big John. But then they'd hug each other, and everything would go back to normal.

Only, that didn't happen. It didn't for the few nights that JJ had stayed with the Haywards. But soon enough JJ had to leave. He couldn't stay there any longer just feeling like a burden. No matter how much Pope assured him it was fine, JJ simply lied and said he needed to sort some stuff out at home. 

Truth was, JJ had found his way back to John B's. The place had been taped off by police, but they'd long gone after barely finding anything. JJ stopped at the steps by the porch just staring at the house. Everything was dark. It just seemed so empty. As if even the building was dead. He dumped a backpack on the porch, sitting himself on the steps. His head fell into his arms, resting in his lap. He couldn't make himself go in, as if crossing that line was proof that John B was dead. And he wasn't quite ready to let go just yet.

* * *

That was how Kiara found him. Curled up on the porch outside John B's.

They'd all taken the news pretty hard, but she knew JJ felt it the worst. John B was like a brother to him. They'd looked out for each other since long before Kiara even knew them. Not to mention JJ had nowhere else to go. 

Her parents hadn't wanted her hanging around "those boys" in the first place, but this whole event just gave them a valid reason why they were right. Of course they hadn't outright said anything, but their subtle comments of "maybe you should just take a few days away from them" and "this is a good time to think about your situation, Kiara." were clear enough for her. It's not that they were happy John B was dead - how could they ever think that - but they weren't exactly heartbroken at the idea of their daughter potentially not associating with pogues anymore.

But one night she was able to sneak away, driving to Pope's. They still hadn't spoke about that kiss, and part of her doesn't want to. It was heat of the moment. She knew how he felt about her, and maybe she did feel  _ something  _ but perhaps love wasn't it. No, she did love him but now she thinks perhaps that's more in a brotherly/friend way. He was a great guy, definitely the one her parents would most approve of, but she's never really thought of him in that way before. And after he'd confessed his feelings she was confused, and then John B and Sarah….it was a lot to take in. But she owed him an explanation.

She'd texted him to meet her outside, leaning against her car as she waited for him. The air was still warm, but Kiara rubbed her bare arms nervously as if to keep herself warm from some undetectable heat. Why was she nervous? This was  _ Pope. _ But that's just it. It  _ was _ Pope. He was one of her best friends and now she was about to potentially break his heart. Everything was so much easier when romance was something just for the movies and anything in real life was simply gross.

"Hey." Pope's calm voice made her look up, and judging from his face, he knew what this would be about.

"Hey…"

Pope awkwardly put a hand on the hood of the car as she leaned against the driver's door. She turned to face him, the words not seeming to come from her throat.

"We -"

"Need to talk?" He sighed, but there was a small smile on his lips. "I figured this would happen."

He didn't seem mad, just... disappointed? God, Kiara could feel a weight sitting heavily on her chest at the thought of disappointing Pope.

"Everything was just so sudden I didn't really have time to think about it. And you said you loved me but I didn't really know what to think or how I feel. Because I think I do love you but I'm not sure in what way. I don't think it's in the way you want me to."

"Kie…" he was going to reach out to her but thought better of it when she moved and began pacing as she talked.

"And I know it's  _ fucked _ up talking about this when our friends could be…" she caught herself and stopped pacing, clearing her throat, "our friends are  _ missing  _ and there's bigger problems. But there's no point letting this," she waved a hand between her and Pope, "fester and become weird."

"I just...I don't know what I want." She rubbed her eyes then tilted her head back to look at the stars. "Maybe it was just the moment? I don't know. My feelings are all mixed up and confused. But when we kissed I…"

"You didn't feel anything?"

"I don't think so...it was like kissing John B. Something just didn't seem quite right. I'm sorry."

"It's ok, Kie. I understand." Pope hesitated before putting a hand on her shoulder. 

"You're not upset?"

"No, I  _ am _ upset. But I know that's not going to change anything. The last thing I want is for you to be with me out of pity or because you feel forced." His smile seemed weak. "You were my friend first, and that's not going to change. But if it's alright I'd like some space. Just to…you know,  _ process. _ "

She nodded. "Take all the time you need. But you know I'm still here for you. Pogues for life." Before he had the chance to reject it, she wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. "Now more than ever." She mumbled.

He was too good. One day he's going to make it out of here and make something of himself. He's going to meet someone who knows his worth, who understands him. Kiara hopes whoever that is treats him right and loves him the way she just can't.

Kiara was about to go home when she figured she should check on JJ since he was staying with Pope.

"He left. Home, I think." Pope said before going back inside his house. He said he had an early shift tomorrow, but Kiara thought it was probably partly to do with his need for "space". 

She shook her head, no he can't have meant  _ home _ home. No way would JJ go back there. But she knew where his true home was.

That's how she had ended up back here. Watching JJ as he was sleeping, knees curled up under him like he was a kid. She supposed they still were just kids. 

She crept up slowly to the porch, half of her not wanting to wake him but the other half so desperate to know he's ok.

"JJ?" She reached out to brush the hair from his forehead but before she could his eyes shot open, him bolting upright with a scream.

His eyes didn't seem to focus for a second, before resting finally on hers. She could see his breathing was still erratic. 

"Kie." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I…" but he didn't know what to say.

She sat down next to him, eyes landing on the discarded cigarettes by JJ's feet. His knee was bouncing anxiously and it was all she could do not to put a hand on it to calm him.

"Pope said you'd gone home. But I knew you'd be here." 

JJ was looking at his hands, playing with one of the rings on his finger to avoid looking at her. "I thought maybe if I came here... maybe John B would…"

"That he'd be here too." She finished, and he finally looked at her.

"It's stupid."

Kiara shook her head, reaching for one of his hands. "It's not stupid, JJ." He looked down at their joined hands while she spoke. "Part of me wants to believe it too."

Something in JJ's face changed.

"He can't be. He's not dead. He's not... he's…" his voice cracked as he let out a sob, his head falling against Kiara's chest. She wrapped her arms around him, trying to comfort him. 

There wasn't anything she could say. She couldn't tell him John B was alive and give him false hope, but she also didn't believe he was dead. None of it seemed real. And none of it seemed to make her feel any better. So instead she just let JJ cry, holding him tighter when she felt his arms slowly wrap around her waist.

Neither knows how long they stayed like that, but soon JJ's breathing evened out and Kiara loosened her grip on him.

"Hey," she held his head in both of her hands and her heart broke seeing the red, tear stained eyes looking back at her. "You need some sleep."

JJ looked back at the house, "I can't." His voice was hoarse. 

"Come on." Kiara slowly got up, holding a hand out to help JJ stand up too. He was like a dead weight, and she wrapped his arm over her shoulder so she could try and shuffle them inside.

She managed to get him to the bed, watching him practically fall against it, eyes closed. She crouched by the bed, sweeping the hair from his forehead. Gently she placed a barely there kiss to his forehead, before standing up. But as she stood up, she felt his hand gingerly touch hers. 

"Kie…don't go just yet." 

She sat down in front of him again, leaning an arm on the bed. "I won't. I'm here."

The plan was just to wait until he fell asleep, but watching JJ was so calming that she found herself falling asleep too.

In the morning JJ awoke to Kiara's head close to his, their hands inches apart as if they'd been holding them in their sleep. She was sat on the floor leaning against the bed. He cracked a smile, a genuine smile for the first time in days. Maybe not everything was so hopeless after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd been working on this for a while and then Taylor drops a new album fueling inspiration but I was too far into this to just scrap but maybe I'll write more for jiara.
> 
> You can usually find me writing for awae and stranger things so I'm moving out of my comfort zone to a new fandom but hi x
> 
> (Why does it always feel so weird writing for a new fandom?)
> 
> This was supposed to be a single chapter but it was getting long so I'm splitting it


	2. Part Two

For the remainder of that summer, both Kiara and JJ stayed at the chateau. It had happened so gradually it was hard to pinpoint exactly when it became expected. But Kiara supposed it started when they would all be sat by the campfire and Pope deciding to leave early. Something in her told her she wasn't quite ready to leave yet, but then it was just her and JJ. The bags under his eyes were more noticeable than ever, and she knew he wasn't sleeping well since the first night she'd stayed with him.

She watched him poking the fire with a stick, his features sharp and angular from the shadows contrasting against the warm orange glow from the fire. He seemed focused but somehow on doing nothing in particular. Until his hand stopped.

"...Kie?" His voice was smaller and quieter than it had been a few moments ago when Pope was here. It was like that happy, unaffected facade he had on suddenly dropped.

"Yeah?"

He hesitated and then shook his head, "Uh, actually forget it. It's nothing."

She got up from the log she was on and sat directly next to JJ instead. "No, you can talk to me."

JJ was back to focusing on the fire, but his hands had moved to between his legs where he fidgeted with one of the rings on his hands. Something Kiara began to notice more and more as a nervous habit of his. She'd rarely seen him like this, seeming so small and vulnerable.

"Would you stay with me again? I just haven't slept well since John B...but I did the night you stayed."

She smiled, but he continued talking. 

"And I can even sleep on the floor." He turned to see her now trying to hide the smile. There was something different about him, but in a good way. Selfishly she liked this vulnerable side of him.

"I'm not trying to hit on you. Unless…?" He raised an eyebrow and that smile was back on his face, even if it didn't quite reach his eyes this time. 

She nudged him and didn't say a word, but somehow JJ knew that meant she'd stay.

After a while the fire started to die down, and JJ finished it off by stomping on the few sparks remaining.

They stood looking at each other over the still smouldering fire. 

"So…" she swung on her heels, not sure how to say _let's go to bed_ without it sounding weird or like some kind of innuendo.

It had never been like this between them. Usually everything was so easy but for some reason there was a heavy tension in the air. They'd had sleepovers before, but this was the first time it was just the two of them in the chateau. It felt like new territory.

"Kie if this is weird then we don't have to."

"No, it's not like we've never had sleepovers before." She shrugged, but she could see the hesitation on his face. As much as he tries to pretend he's a player, JJ was actually very concerned about her feelings and the last thing he wanted to do was make her feel uncomfortable or put her in that position.

"JJ, you're one of my best friends. I'm not going anywhere when you need me."

He smiled at her in such a tender, un-JJ like way. But it was nice.

She stepped past him, climbing up the steps towards the door but stopped with her hand on the handle. "And there's no _way_ I'm letting you sleep on the dirty ass floor."

He laughed as he jogged to meet her, following behind as they entered the house.

* * *

Kiara climbed under the blankets first, with JJ hesitating slightly as if to give her one last chance to tell him to get lost. But she didn't. 

They lay there for a moment, both suddenly hyper aware of each other's presence. It was stupid, they'd had sleepovers before but now all Kie could think about was how JJ was so close bit still felt so far away.

She turned her head to see JJ was staring up at the ceiling, one hand behind his head, the other just inches from hers. Before she could think better of it, her pinky finger stretched out to lightly touch his. Without looking at her, she felt as his pinky wrapped around hers. Kie couldn't tell if it was a trick of the light, maybe a flash from the moonlight creeping in the crack of the curtains, but she thought she saw a smile briefly pass over his face when their fingers joined.

JJ awoke the next morning with hair in his face. But it wasn't his hair. It was the messy curls of Kiara. She must have shifted in the night because her head was rested on his chest. Part of him wanted to apologise but then he figured...it's not _his_ fault what she does in her sleep. Right? So would he really be the bad guy if maybe he didn't wake her up just yet? What if they just stayed like this for a moment more?

Kie on the other hand was fully aware of what she had done. She hadn't wanted to fall asleep until she was sure JJ was, just so she knew he wasn't awake all night. 

But then maybe she had been a bit of a creep and watched him sleep - just for a little bit. It was just so rare to see JJ so calm. His features were soft for once instead of hard and his mouth wasn't twisted into some grin that Kie sometimes couldn't even tell if it was forced or not. It was just JJ. His pinky finger had fallen from hers as he drifted off, so she leaned on her elbow instead to look at him. She was just so glad he was sleeping again.

Maybe it was just the moment, but she couldn't help but lean her head back down but this time on his chest. It was only meant to be for a minute, just to see what it was like. But his heart was beating steadily and she found she couldn't get herself to move. Everything just seemed so right. It was weird. It was _JJ_. But nothing had felt like that. She hadn't realised how on edge she had also been until she felt his heartbeat. It was soothing. So sue her if she ended up falling asleep - and having the best night's sleep for that matter. 

When she woke up, his arm had moved to hug her closer and she was not about to move. 

Maybe they'd started to cross a line that soon they wouldn't be able to come back from. But right now, it couldn't have felt anymore right. Neither really spoke about it, especially not in front of Pope. It almost became an unspoken thing that they'd end up cuddling as they slept.

And soon it was a habit, with long nights spent around the campfire resulting in laying on the pull out and talking until they fell asleep, hands slowly becoming intertwined.

As the summer dragged on, things started to get a little bit better, especially now they had this "arrangement". But they always left a light on by the porch, just in case John B found his way home. 

* * *

Things carried on with their unspoken agreement. But as with everything in JJ's life, when something started to go too well for him, it sooner or later crashed and burned. It was self sabotage really. 

They'd always been close, but this new thing between them - whatever it was - had taken it to a different level of intimacy that JJ had rarely experienced. In truth, JJ was scared. Kie wasn't like these random hook ups he'd had before. She was Kie. His best friend. She deserved more than just some screwed up technically homeless kid from the cut. The closer they got the more scared he felt, as if he was just delaying the inevitable that he was going to drag her down with him. Everyone he'd ever cared about disappeared sooner or later. He couldn't lose Kie too.

But the catalyst that finally broke him was a conversation he heard from Kie on the phone to her parents. He could hear her trying to defend him, but from her tone he knew her parents had started to get concerned about her spending so much time with him. And they were right. 

He was the one still clinging on to the hope of John B's return. Everyone else had slowly started to move on and accept things. Kie had her family, her kook school, and Pope was busy with work and scholarships and college applications. JJ on the other hand was pretty much alone, going nowhere. And without John B to hold them all together, what was the point in dragging this out?

He sat on the porch waiting for Kie like usual, but this time he was feeling worse than ever before. 

"Kie...I don't think we should do this anymore." JJ stood up before she could reach the steps.

She stopped in her tracks when he spoke. "What do you mean?"

"I mean this whole thing, whatever it is between us."

"You're... breaking up with me?" She laughed incredulously.

He shrugged, "It's not breaking up since we weren't ever, you know…"

She turned sharply to leave, not wanting to hear him anymore. After everything, _this_ was how he was going to treat her? Like something he could throw away once he's had his use of it. "You're an asshole."

"Kie." He tried to call out to her but she'd already reached her car. She spun around with a sadistic smile on her face as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing right now.

"You know what? I'm the one who's been here for you the whole time JJ. But this is how you treat me? We're supposed to be _best friends._ And now you're just throwing me away because you don't need me anymore."

She put a hand to her forehead, trying to calm herself down.

"I'm not throwing you away. I'm letting you go. I have to do this. I can't keep delaying the inevitable that I'm just going to drag you down to trailer trash like me. That's what everyone thinks."

"JJ…"

"I know your parents don't want this, and you won't want that either. I know you won't."

"You can't just make that decision for me. But stop thinking about what I want or what my parents want or what anyone else wants. What do _you_ want JJ?"

He ran his hands through his hair shaking it. What he wanted was for Kie to be happy, and he wanted her to be with him. But he knew neither of those things could coexist, it just wouldn't work. So he was stumped. "I don't... I don't know."

"Call me when you figure it out." She slammed the car door, turning away so he didn't see the tears pooling in her eyes. 

* * *

It had been a week but JJ couldn't shift this awful feeling in his gut. He felt like something was missing. He'd been able to sleep again, but it just wasn't the same. Instead of waking up feeling like maybe everything wasn't so bad, he woke up feeling hopeless and guilty. He missed Kie.

Everything he did just made him miss her. He missed hearing her sing in the shower as he made breakfast, he missed how she would linger in a hug just a few seconds extra before she left for the day. He even missed her nagging at him to do some laundry for once instead of living amongst a pile of dirty clothes. He just missed having her around.

Was he…? no he couldn't be. It was Kie and he liked her a lot, even outright telling her she was attractive a few times. But it wasn't anything as serious as love was it? But the more he tried to deny it, the clearer it became to him. He had feelings for his best friend. And not just "I have a crush on you" feelings, but real "I want to be with you no matter what" feelings.  _ Love _ .

"Shit." He muttered to himself, grabbing the keys to his bike. There was no way to avoid it now.

It felt like his body was on autopilot, and before he knew it he was parked outside her house. The pogues had rarely been to her house, but from the few times Kiara had snuck them in, he knew her bedroom was around the back of the house.

It was dark and JJ could barely see the gate before he climbed over it, almost ripping his shirt as he jumped down. The lights were mostly off in the house except for Kie's room. He could see her through the window on her balcony, sat reading a book on an armchair.

He got out his phone and texted her but there was no response. Instead he tried calling her, but he watched as she looked at her phone, then locked it again. Straight to voicemail.

Fine. He was going to have to do this the old fashioned way. Using the light from his phone, he looked around on the ground for some kind of pebble or rock. There were some arranged nicely in some plant pots and he rolled his eyes at such classic kook behaviour before grabbing a handful, disturbing the arrangement.

The first time he missed, with the pebble landing on her balcony. But after a few attempts he managed to catch her window. She looked up, but didn't move until JJ threw another pebble. Finally she got up to the window, saw it was JJ and slowly opened the door.

"What are you doing here, JJ?" Kiara rested her hands on the balcony, looking down at him. Part of her didn't want to see him, but another part had missed him so badly even though it had barely been a week. He may have hurt her, but it was still JJ.

"Kie, I'm sorry." He stepped forward, holding his hands up. His voice was too quiet, scared of waking her parents. "Wait a second."

He caught sight of the vines growing up the side of the house and the bits of panelling that had come loose from the storm. Before he could think better of it, he hauled himself up and managed to fall over the side of the balcony at Kie's feet. 

"Ouch." He lay there for a moment catching his breath.

"Impressive." She folded her arms as she looked down at him. 

"Oh yeah?" He raised an eyebrow in a flirting fashion before she rolled her eyes and helped him to his feet. It was hard to stay mad at him sometimes.

"Look Kie, I know things are... _ weird _ between us."

"What makes you say that?" Her voice was harsher than usual and he hated being the reason for it. 

"I messed up. But the truth is I was scared. My whole life all I've heard is that I'm not good enough. And I knew that being friends with you was always a risky game. Sooner or later everything I care about is ruined. And the last thing I wanted was to ruin you." He wasn't great at making speeches. 

"If I were John B or Pope I'd be able to express myself better." He laughed but Kie continued to stare at him, listening to everything he had to say.

"But the point is, I shouldn't have made you feel like that. I wasn't using you. For the first time in a long time I felt cared for and genuinely happy. But I was scared it would end so I ended it before you did. I didn't want to get hurt but I ended up hurting you."

This was the most she thinks she's heard him say for a long time. And sure he wasn't romantic like John B and he wasn't as eloquent as Pope, but it she could tell this was authentically JJ. He was trying so hard to put into words what he'd never imagined himself trying to say.

"I want you, Kie. But I was scared I would end up dragging you down. But I know now that it's your decision to make. I don't get to decide that for you. And I'm sorry. I just didn't want you to end up resenting me."

"I could never resent you, JJ."

"I love you." He said, hands falling to his side. His laugh was mixed up with a sigh, "Ain't that the worst thing you've ever heard?"

He closed his eyes, expecting a slap, her to shout, push him away.  _ Something.  _

But before he could open his eyes to check if she was even still there, he felt her warm hand brush his cheek, followed by her lips against his, soft and light. As soon as it happened it had gone, and he opened his eyes to see her own wide as if alarmed at what she'd done. But then she smiled, looking up at him.

Now  _ that  _ was what it was supposed to feel like.

"How many times do I have to tell you I don't want to go anywhere. That I'm not leaving."

He laughed, raising an eyebrow. "I don't know. How about one more time?"

She laughed, nodding as she let him lean in, his hands around her waist as she tangled up her hands in his hair. She felt her feet leave the floor as he picked her up, spinning her around like he did the night of midsummer. Only this time, he didn't plan on letting her go so easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out longer than expected.
> 
> I'm not super happy with how I wrote them, idk characterisation is tricky :/
> 
> But thank you for reading, maybe I'll explore more jiara in the future xx


End file.
